Saturday, March 31, 2007

rock bottom

from the episode of the simpsons when Homer is accused of sexual harassment, a show called "Rock Bottom" does an exposé on him that falsely portrays him as guilty. They later quickly scroll a list of apologies down the screen. Here they are:
1. "Peoples' Choice Award" is America's greatest honor.
2. Styrofoam is not made from kittens.
3. The U.F.O. was a paper plate.
4. The nerds on the internet are not geeks.
5. The word "cheese" is not funny in and of itself.
6. The older Flanders boy is Todd, not Rod.
7. Lyndon Johnson did not provide the voice of Yosemite Sam.
8. If you are reading this you have no life.
9. Roy Rogers was not buried inside his horse.
10. The other U.F.O. was an upside-down salad spinner.
11. Our universities are not "hotbeds" of anything.
12. Mr. Dershowitz did not literally have four eyes.
13. Our viewers are not pathetic, sexless food tubes.
14. Audrey Hepburn never weighed 400 pounds.
15. The "Cheers" (1982) gang is not a real gang.
16. Salt water does not "chase the thirsties away".
17. Licking an electrical outlet will not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.
18. Cats do not eventually turn into dogs.
19. Bullets do not bounce off of fat guys.
20. Recycling does not deplete the ozone.
21. Everything is 10% fruit juice.
22. The flesh-eating virus does not hide in ice cream.
23. Janet Reno is evil.
24. V8 juice is not 1/8 gasoline.
25. Ted Koppel is a robot.
26. Women aren't from Venus, and men aren't from Mars.
27. Fleiss does floss.
28. Quayle is familiar with common bathroom procedure.
29. Bart is bad to the bone.
30. Godfry Jones' wife is cheating on him. (note: Jones was the host of "Rock Bottom")
31. The Beatles haven't reunited to enter kick boxing contests.
32. The "Bug" on your TV screen can see into your home.
33. Everyone on TV is better than you.
34. The people who are writing this have no life.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

this shit is the freakin best
i just can't pass up the cash

Sunday, March 18, 2007

One word..........OUCH

Matador's chances of fatherhood hurt by goring
Cruz, 25, is recovering in hospital after the second bull of Tuesday's corrida caught him in the upper thigh, throwing him into the air, and gored him in the groin once he hit the ground.
Newspapers reproduced the eye-watering bulletin issued by surgeons at the bullring after a two-hour operation and film of the incident was played on the main evening news.
"Fernando Cruz is suffering from two horn wounds of 25 centimeters in length each. One involves the fibers of the abductor muscle and dissects the femoral artery, the other involves the scrotal area and eviscerates both testicles."
Cruz was sitting up in his hospital bed on Wednesday. Astonishingly, he is expected to be back in action in around three weeks.
(yahoo news)
this was just such a scary artical i had to post it
Ya Fuck with the Bull , Ya Get the Horns

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Teen Poverty in America

A letter from two concerned grandmothers
We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall.
We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty.
Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans.
Some jeans were so big and baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear.
I know one must have been ashamed his daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below his knees.
They weren't even his daddy's good jeans, for they had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.
It grieved us that in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans.
I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall."
Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part - it was the girls that disturbed us the most.
Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys.
They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up.
Their jeans barely went over their hipbones.
Most also had on their little sister's top; it didn't even cover their midsections.
Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, they had their underwear exposed.
We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.
We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together.
We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather together at the mall; boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes.
The mall is one place where they can find acceptance.
So, the next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, please say a prayer for them.
And one more thing: Please pray that the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?
Thank you all, Two Concerned Grandmothers

Monday, March 05, 2007

Why don't we put up flyers and invite the Squirrels to a Planned Parenthood meeting. Teach them about being responsible parents
also any one ever scare an ostrich impotent
and what exactly is the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837
i think this will be all for today

Thursday, March 01, 2007

why does it have to be a canadian
it must be the pot............or the canadian beer (it's like moonshine to them americans)